So, a later update:
My parents just had a fight, but it was a blessing in disguise, because I got to talk things out with my Dad in one of his (very) unusual calm moods. It was great, and we covered a lot. And things will be resolved - I love my parents because they always can take their fights and use them to become better people.
I also just talked to one of my favorite new stargate converts, Chelsea. She's a wonderful person, just discovering the world of stargate for the first time. The excitement in her eyes (well, words, since we facebook chatted) was well worth it. Ahh, the wonderful power of a tv show to bring people together.
I'm in somewhat of a silly mood - a lightened mood. Things are good, even when they're bad.
God is good. God is real. And my life? Never more wonderful than when it's His. And that's the gospel truth.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
First in line!
I've had the urge (for awhile now) to journal since i've been home. In Ireland I had the sea and a community of loving people who I could consistently tell my thoughts to - there was no need for a blog. The case here is different.
My tendency is to start things and not finish them (with the exception of homework and work-related items)- diets, cleaning my room, blogs - so I apologize if I end up not blogging with acceptable consistency. But my thoughts and feelings need an outlet, i've decided, so I am determined to try a true online journal. In the words of the joker...here we go.
I just came home from my little cousin's 3rd birthday party. My, how time flies- I remember her when she was only a little purple baby, the first in the family in a long time, looking up at me with those huge eyes and floppy ears. Now she's three, a beautiful (if somewhat bratty) three-year old who revels in the fact that all the family thinks she's a princess. And you know what? She is. She is a princess in every sense of the word, and that is wonderful. I wish I had been that confident at three, and I marvel at her security in the fact that those around her love her. She, in her innocence, is quite a teacher to me at how we are supposed to approach God - her heart so desires to be known and loved by her family that she trusts them completely with all of her personality. In the same way, I've been learning that I should approach the Lord with my utmost trust and openness. This is hard for me to do - I'm older, and one of my greatest desires is to be in control of my life and my decisions, so to "let go and let God' sometimes seems like a mountain-high task. But I'm lucky in that I know how to rely on Him, because I've had to in the past for so much, so I can do it with any luck.
I've gained a lot of weight since I went away. Most people who knew me before Ireland would question that statement - they would say I'm being down on myself again (side note: I never was quite down on myself, I just wanted to hear that you didn't think I was overweight - i'm sorry for putting you (a general you) in that position), and that I should be more secure. But I want you to know that that statement isn't one of self-condemnation. I like myself; in fact, I love myself - God loves me, and though it sounds like a cliche, it is the truth that this is all that matters in my judgement of myself as a person. Now, this statement is still fairly loaded, because it means I am unhealthy, and that is what I have a problem with because an unhealthy me is not what He wants for me; I can better serve Him if i'm living healthy in all areas of my life, and diet/nutrition is just one of those areas. I say all this to say: I'm struggling. It's gotten worse since I've gotten back, and it's the classic Paul case of doing what I know is wrong, but my flesh does it anyways. I am struggling, and i'm willing to be free and open about that struggle. I need God's strength to change me; will you keep me in your prayers? Support me through prayer all you can; I need it and don't mind being a little bit selfish about asking for prayer (if there's one thing that you can afford to be selfish with, i've come to find, it is prayer :D ).
In other news, Ireland has come and gone - a beautiful sea of green dreams rolling in my brain as time passes all the more quickly. I'm not happy here in Michigan, but i'm not sad either - life here just is, and just must be. I am here with my family; tomorrow (the figurative tomorrow) I will be at Taylor. God loves me fully now, and He always will. That is just the most natural thing in the world to me. I love all of the people He has placed in my life, and while i'm struggling with the ordinariness of it all, I'm learning that ordinary -that routine- can have such joy. I now work two jobs- one for my parents, cleaning and doing secretarial work, the other watching a beautiful special needs child names Ashley. Both, to the outside eye, seem boring as all get out. But God is showing me the joy to be found in both. I've never gotten to spend so much time with my parents - time when they aren't bound by most of the divisive frustrations of a failing Michigan economy and crazily scheduled household. Seeing them in this capacity, without being bound by an unwillingness to work, has been joyous and challenging to my "set ideas" about who they are. And Ashley - beautiful, wonderful Ashley- i'm learning to enjoy my time with her. Sitting in a bedroom for 4 hours playing the same game never held such joy for me - seeing her delight and happiness over the simple things in life is so beautiful, so wonderful - I can't even describe how fufilling working with her is. She is a treasure.
Well, I think that's enough for now. I have a lot more to share, but my fingers are starting to hurt :) God bless, and God keep:
Lauren
My tendency is to start things and not finish them (with the exception of homework and work-related items)- diets, cleaning my room, blogs - so I apologize if I end up not blogging with acceptable consistency. But my thoughts and feelings need an outlet, i've decided, so I am determined to try a true online journal. In the words of the joker...here we go.
I just came home from my little cousin's 3rd birthday party. My, how time flies- I remember her when she was only a little purple baby, the first in the family in a long time, looking up at me with those huge eyes and floppy ears. Now she's three, a beautiful (if somewhat bratty) three-year old who revels in the fact that all the family thinks she's a princess. And you know what? She is. She is a princess in every sense of the word, and that is wonderful. I wish I had been that confident at three, and I marvel at her security in the fact that those around her love her. She, in her innocence, is quite a teacher to me at how we are supposed to approach God - her heart so desires to be known and loved by her family that she trusts them completely with all of her personality. In the same way, I've been learning that I should approach the Lord with my utmost trust and openness. This is hard for me to do - I'm older, and one of my greatest desires is to be in control of my life and my decisions, so to "let go and let God' sometimes seems like a mountain-high task. But I'm lucky in that I know how to rely on Him, because I've had to in the past for so much, so I can do it with any luck.
I've gained a lot of weight since I went away. Most people who knew me before Ireland would question that statement - they would say I'm being down on myself again (side note: I never was quite down on myself, I just wanted to hear that you didn't think I was overweight - i'm sorry for putting you (a general you) in that position), and that I should be more secure. But I want you to know that that statement isn't one of self-condemnation. I like myself; in fact, I love myself - God loves me, and though it sounds like a cliche, it is the truth that this is all that matters in my judgement of myself as a person. Now, this statement is still fairly loaded, because it means I am unhealthy, and that is what I have a problem with because an unhealthy me is not what He wants for me; I can better serve Him if i'm living healthy in all areas of my life, and diet/nutrition is just one of those areas. I say all this to say: I'm struggling. It's gotten worse since I've gotten back, and it's the classic Paul case of doing what I know is wrong, but my flesh does it anyways. I am struggling, and i'm willing to be free and open about that struggle. I need God's strength to change me; will you keep me in your prayers? Support me through prayer all you can; I need it and don't mind being a little bit selfish about asking for prayer (if there's one thing that you can afford to be selfish with, i've come to find, it is prayer :D ).
In other news, Ireland has come and gone - a beautiful sea of green dreams rolling in my brain as time passes all the more quickly. I'm not happy here in Michigan, but i'm not sad either - life here just is, and just must be. I am here with my family; tomorrow (the figurative tomorrow) I will be at Taylor. God loves me fully now, and He always will. That is just the most natural thing in the world to me. I love all of the people He has placed in my life, and while i'm struggling with the ordinariness of it all, I'm learning that ordinary -that routine- can have such joy. I now work two jobs- one for my parents, cleaning and doing secretarial work, the other watching a beautiful special needs child names Ashley. Both, to the outside eye, seem boring as all get out. But God is showing me the joy to be found in both. I've never gotten to spend so much time with my parents - time when they aren't bound by most of the divisive frustrations of a failing Michigan economy and crazily scheduled household. Seeing them in this capacity, without being bound by an unwillingness to work, has been joyous and challenging to my "set ideas" about who they are. And Ashley - beautiful, wonderful Ashley- i'm learning to enjoy my time with her. Sitting in a bedroom for 4 hours playing the same game never held such joy for me - seeing her delight and happiness over the simple things in life is so beautiful, so wonderful - I can't even describe how fufilling working with her is. She is a treasure.
Well, I think that's enough for now. I have a lot more to share, but my fingers are starting to hurt :) God bless, and God keep:
Lauren
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